To be pushed to the brink of expression. To share vulnerably knowing this is for me and what others think of me, does not matter!
I would like to write openly about my unconscious Sun in gate 46 (love of the body). For my first 30 years, my unconscious Sun was my main focus. I grew up in an environment that supported my not self version of the way I physically saw myself. So much so, that it was one of the main reasons I left school to pursue a career in Cosmetology. It emphasized this left brain focus on the way I thought that people would see and love me. If I could just be the beautiful flower my transferred Innocence would whisper to me. Then everyone would love me.
Growing up, I always seemed to have a slower metabolism. I was never able to just eat whatever I wanted and still be thin like my brother and friends. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I would just see this person lost in their body. This big round face unable to recognize her features. My emotional 3/5 Generator brother would call me "cottage cheese thighs." Kids in my class called me fat or dumbo because of my ears. I longed for the day when I could be thin and loved for the beauty I felt on the inside. This love of self through my conscious Sun that was just waiting to be captured if I could just find this love from my physical form.
As I grew older my weight would fluctuate up and down, how very gate 46.3 of me. For a very long time I experimented with not eating or eating very little. I would go to all you can eat places and binge and throw up in the bathroom so that I wouldn't take in as many calories. I got so good at it, I could just lean over and it would immediately come out. It actually wasn't until I enrolled in Cosmetology school that I began to take my body back. This is the true view of power. I had to go through 14 years of being a professional hair and makeup artist to remember who I was. We are all infinite love of the creator, source energy and the cosmos above.
When I first started Cosmetology school I was the heaviest I ever was in my life. I had reached double digits in my clothing size. I was officially a size 10. I looked down at the scale and read 150 pounds. I remember just asking "What happened?" I remember hearing "You forgot who you are." That was the last time I allowed myself to unravel that way. I am all for body positivity but for me if I don't physically feel good in my body as a Generator, then nothing outside of me matters. So that was the day I began a lifestyle change, and a promise from my defined heart that I would begin to nurture my body. I ended up losing over 30 pounds. It took time for me to find a routine and rhythm with my 5/15 channel that I could stick with.
I ended up spending 14 years trying to be the butterfly through my outward appearance to then officially come home to me (gate 10 conscious Sun). It wasn't until the pandemic when everything shut down that I began to look back as to why I started this career in the first place. It took me a while to realize that I had taken the long path back to who I truly was. That my love of makeup and hair was for me and me alone. It wasn't meant to be shared in the way I was doing it. I learned that this is a way I show love for myself, transforming myself into something new!
It took me a long time to realize but sometimes the path to mastery is the long way home. The mission I have come here for this life is to be a conduit of love. I am a Vessel Of Love after all. So it is when I can turn off the noise from my outside world and come back to my body, I can truly see my conscious Sun (love of self). This is then able to emit out to humanity (gate 15 conscious Earth), and I can realize that we are all one (gate 25 unconscious Earth).
with love,
Krystle